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The Last Twinkie

Working in the county clerk’s office, I’ve seen some pretty interesting things, people who would shock you, and cases that would blow your mind. But the craziest things always happen in the office itself. 

I remember one afternoon, I was filing some paperwork for Kohan & Bablove, LLP, when I heard a commotion behind me. I turned around, and there was a couple standing by the vending machine, arguing about what snack they wanted to get while they waited for their court case to start. 

Normally, we don’t get involved in things like that, but listening to couples fight loudly in a courthouse is distracting and like something out of Jerry Springer, if I’m being honest. So, I’m trying to bite my tongue while making photocopies, and these two are going at it over a damn Twinkie.

But it wasn’t just any Twinkie. . . no, no; it was the very last Twinkie in the vending machine. They were actually arguing about which one of them was going to get the last Twinkie. Can you believe it?! 

So, I’m really getting annoyed at this point because who argues over a processed snack food? Some of the other people in line were rolling their eyes, and others thought it was just the funniest thing they had ever seen. 

The woman reaches down and grabs the Twinkie out of the vending machine and starts to unwrap it, taunting her boyfriend with it, when he grabs it out of her hand. Now at this point, we don’t know what to do because this guy is holding a Twinkie in the air while his girlfriend is jumping up and down reaching for it and yelling. 

I was getting ready to go tell them to take it down a notch when he takes the Twinkie and shoves it in her face. The entire Twinkie is destroyed, bits of cake and cream are all over the place. . .and the woman loses her mind. She jumps on his back as he is walking away and starts punching him in the head, trying to smear the Twinkie residue all over his bald head.

I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m dying of laughter at this point. Half the room is concerned, the other half laughing hysterically. Our security guard finally tried to intervene by pulling her off the man’s back and leading her out the door. 

The man stayed in line. I later found out they were at the courthouse to obtain their marriage license.

The Heart Attack

It’s not every day that catastrophe strikes at the Hancock County Clerk’s office, just often enough for it to be a regular thing. I often wonder what kind of shenanigans I can get myself into that day. Filing papers and working at the computer all day isn’t exciting for an old guy like me, but the chaos keeps it interesting. Does that make me a psychopath? Oh well, you have to do what you have to do to get through these nine to fives. 

This one time, I was working on a file for a personal injury lawyer in Washington when I noticed that there were quite a few people waiting in line. I work with another fella named Jerry, you see. And Jerry isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. We have a lot in common, both having served in Vietnam all those years ago. On our lunch break, we often exchange war stories to pass the time, but he’s not the best at his job, I’ll say that. 

Anyway, so I look up from my filing and notice the line is starting to go out the door. I look over and Jerry is arguing with this one guy at his counter. The guy was trying to pay a parking ticket, but wanted to pay his ticket in all pennies. That’s my kind of guy! 

Sadly, we aren’t allowed to accept any cash, it has to be paid through check, credit, or debit card, so even if we wanted to take his pennies, we couldn’t. Jerry is trying to explain this to the man, and I briefly thought about going over there and handling it myself, but Jerry has his own way of doing things. 

I put my file away and walk over to my counter to ask the next person in line to come to my space when all of a sudden the penny guy steps back and starts clutching his chest. He leaned forward to lean on the counter and fell flat on his face. So then a person in line comes running over to the man and says he’s a doctor and to call 911. 

Jerry got on the phone and called the ambulance while the doctor tried to tend to the penny man who fainted. Once the paramedics came, they said they thought he had a heart attack. Everyone in line had to be sent home and Jerry and I got to close up the office early. An unfortunate reason to get out of work early for the day, but we’ll take it. 

In case you were wondering, the penny guy was fine. He ended up having his daughter pay his fine online. We found that out when his daughter came in to pick up his bag full of pennies. It was a crazy day, to say the least. 

The Tiger King

All the youngins are talking about this Netflix show called the “Tiger King,” but none of them would know a real tiger king if it walked up and bit them in the face. I’ve met a real Tiger King, but you’d never believe this story unless you saw it for yourself…

It all started one day when I was working on processing some documents for a Savannah personal injury lawyer’s case. There I was, printing off some courtroom documents and putting our Hancock County stamp on it, when the door to the clerk’s office swings open and a gigantic tiger comes running through the door, growling. I just about flew out of my seat! I was so surprised. 

Thankfully, we’re protected by plexiglass, so there was no way this tiger was gonna get to me, but the security guard just about peed his pants; he was so terrified. It would have been funny seeing this large man cowering on top of the plastic chair as if the tiger was a mouse, but it was honestly just so shocking.

It got even weirder when an Indiana Jones looking fella comes running through the door with a lasso of sorts, ready to, what? Wrassle the tiger?! Anyway, the tiger is standing on one side of the room and Indiana Jones is standing on the other, swinging this damn lasso over his head. 

He swings and swings while the tiger is growling. The first shot he misses and the tiger swings it’s paw at the rope. He quickly pulls it back and gets it up over his head and, swinging it around his head. The second time, the lasso gets caught on the water fountain and the tiger leaps towards Indiana Jones ready to devour him.

I’m just sitting back, snacking on some popcorn at this point. The tiger pounces on Indiana Jones and I’m about to freak out. And maybe now I should call 911, but Indiana Jones starts laughing and petting the tiger on the back as it roars in his face. 

Now I’m confused, because I know this guy was about to be eaten by this damn tiger. He gets up, pats the tiger on the head and says, “I’m fine, I’m fine. We’re going home now.” and proceeds to walk back out the front door after putting the lasso on the tiger like a leash. 

The security guard is still cowering on his chair, and we’re staring at each other like, “did this really just happen?” And we never spoke about it again.