The Last Twinkie

Working in the county clerk’s office, I’ve seen some pretty interesting things, people who would shock you, and cases that would blow your mind. But the craziest things always happen in the office itself. 

I remember one afternoon, I was filing some paperwork for Kohan & Bablove, LLP, when I heard a commotion behind me. I turned around, and there was a couple standing by the vending machine, arguing about what snack they wanted to get while they waited for their court case to start. 

Normally, we don’t get involved in things like that, but listening to couples fight loudly in a courthouse is distracting and like something out of Jerry Springer, if I’m being honest. So, I’m trying to bite my tongue while making photocopies, and these two are going at it over a damn Twinkie.

But it wasn’t just any Twinkie. . . no, no; it was the very last Twinkie in the vending machine. They were actually arguing about which one of them was going to get the last Twinkie. Can you believe it?! 

So, I’m really getting annoyed at this point because who argues over a processed snack food? Some of the other people in line were rolling their eyes, and others thought it was just the funniest thing they had ever seen. 

The woman reaches down and grabs the Twinkie out of the vending machine and starts to unwrap it, taunting her boyfriend with it, when he grabs it out of her hand. Now at this point, we don’t know what to do because this guy is holding a Twinkie in the air while his girlfriend is jumping up and down reaching for it and yelling. 

I was getting ready to go tell them to take it down a notch when he takes the Twinkie and shoves it in her face. The entire Twinkie is destroyed, bits of cake and cream are all over the place. . .and the woman loses her mind. She jumps on his back as he is walking away and starts punching him in the head, trying to smear the Twinkie residue all over his bald head.

I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m dying of laughter at this point. Half the room is concerned, the other half laughing hysterically. Our security guard finally tried to intervene by pulling her off the man’s back and leading her out the door. 

The man stayed in line. I later found out they were at the courthouse to obtain their marriage license.

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